


Metaphors and Phobias

by Alaz



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Asexuality Spectrum, Dan's ex - Freeform, Fanboy Phil Lester, He writes erotic scifi, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Writer Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-01 20:39:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15781707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alaz/pseuds/Alaz
Summary: Phil Lester has social anxiety but his dream is to go to his favourite author's book signing and tell him what his earliest work means to him.Dan is a famous writer of erotic sci-fi except for his first series that he abandoned for misterious reasons.Kath knows famous writers need to eat.





	1. Fail

**Author's Note:**

> I know how to write Howell, Howl is a pseudonym.
> 
> I don't know about other people's experiences with panic attacks only my own.

Phil was so excited. After many years of dreaming about this day he was finally meeting Daniel Howl, the writer of some of his favorite LGBT YA books and personal hero. The line that had formed from the book signing table to the book shop’s parking lot moved a step every few minutes but Phil was okay with that. Surely Mr. Howl was taking his time to answer his fan’s most pressing questions about his extensive work. 

Personally, Phil was incredibly interested in his Undead Saga which was an amazing allegory for mental illness and prejudice against the people who suffered from it and how finding love, romantic and platonic, was a kind of light against all the darkness of the world and an incentive to fight for what was right. The relationships where so well developed that they broke your heart over and over while giving hope for a better future. Phil was in love with the work even when it wasn’t the most celebrated of his, probably because it wasn’t even close to being the raunchiest either.

And Howl had some extremely explicit content that made Phil’s cheeks pinkish while reading. He had to admit maybe he was a bit squeamish, sometimes plain skipping those parts for the sake of advancing the plot. Most times, though, the sexy parts where pivotal plot points and it was necessary to read them, giving Phil a mixture of intense feelings going from embarrassment, excitement, and a kind of restlessness that he couldn’t or wouldn’t think much about. 

It wasn’t that Phil was asexual. Maybe he was, he had thought about it, but it was also possible his upbringing and social anxiety made this kind of themes incredibly mortifying. He was aware that he was attracted to guys and girls and was capable of falling in love with either since he was thirteen watching “Buffy, the Vampire slayer” and he sighed for both Sara Michelle Gellar and David Boreanaz at the same time. Now at twenty-nine it was more than embarrassing to admit that the possibility of having sex with someone made him border on a panic attack and all his knowledge on the matter came from weird erotic literature.

He’d pinned for an immeasurable amount of people up to this point in his life but he’d never felt ready to take it further with anyone. His best friend PJ sometimes told him when people were flirting with him but every time Phil was made aware of this he became completely awkward and tried to escape the situation as soon as possible. 

His thing was more the looking at people from afar imagining all the things they could say to each other, how many dogs they would get when they moved in together, what movies they would watch while eating popcorn and cuddling. He practically lived in his head most of the time, getting lost in his imagination and trying to forget how terrifying actual people were.

Coincidentally, the line to the book signing moved without Phil noticing and the ones behind him where telling him to move it. Phil advanced the gap in front of him, happy to get closer to the front of the line. In no more than twenty minutes or so he would be in front of Daniel Howl.

Phil was going to be brave, he was going to introduce himself first “Hi, my name is Phil. It’s so nice to meet you.” He would shake his hand “I’m a big fan of the Undead books and I would really appreciate it if you would sign my copy of ‘Coming Home’, please.” He would give him the book to sign and smile. “Thank you, again. Have a nice day.” If he got himself to say those exact words then everything would be fine. No, it would be perfect because he will have met Daniel Howl and shake his hand and- and-

“Hey, dude! What’s wrong with you? MOVE!” Someone yelled at him from behind. Phil blushed and nodded, he moved forward a couple of steps. He used his towering stature to try and catch a glimpse of Howl. 

Daniel Howl was smiling sweetly at a young woman who couldn’t seem to stop moving in her place and playing with her hair while she talked. Howl nodded politely and signed her book. It looked like it was a copy of ‘Battery Operated Boyfriend’. Phil felt a surge of second hand embarrassment but also admiration at the courage of the woman. That was one of Howl’s most explicit books but also an unexpectedly compelling sci-fi thriller novel. Still, it took Phil ages to get through the saucier parts, having to stop every other description of the creative ways in which XL-69, the robot, was programed to interact with their sexual partners while also dealing with themes of morality, consent and love. It was so good, but Phil would rather throw himself out the window than publicly acknowledge that he had read the scene where it was described how to pleasure a robot and the ways in which it expressed it’s- release. Phil cringed at the thought. He really wished he had skipped that part.

Howl laughed at something the woman said and gave the book back, saying goodbye and calling the next on the line. Phil moved this time, not wanting to call attention to himself especially now that he was getting closer. He was surprisingly calm, going through his lines over and over again. Hi, my name is Phil. It’s so nice to meet you. Shake hand. I’m a big fan of the Undead books and I would really appreciate it if you would sign my copy of ‘Coming Home’, please. Give him the book and smile. Thank you, again. Have a nice day.

Thank you, again? Why again? When did he thank him first? No, just thank you. “Thanks!” That sounded more casual, like a normal person would say it, right? “Thanks a lot!”, “Thank you so much. Have a nice day” Everything sounded wrong. “Thank you.” That sounded like he didn’t care! He needed to sound like this meant something to him, but not too chipper, that would be annoying and sound fake. Also he had to seem casual and normal. He’d have to pay attention to what everyone else was saying that way he’d know.

He moved another step, as close as he could, trying to listen to what other people were saying but he was still too far away. He took a deep breath. “Hi, my name is Phil. Hi, my name is Phil. Hi, my name is Phil.” he mumbled for himself trying to calm down, he could feel his heart starting to do funny things and he needed to concentrate.

“YES, I KNOW!” the guy in front of him suddenly turned around and yelled. “YOUR NAME’S PHIL. YOUR NAME’S PHIL. YOUR NAME’S PHIL. Please just-” he stopped, took a moment and lowered his voice. “Could you please stop, sweetheart? You’re giving me a migraine, you’ve been going at it for almost two hours.”

Phil, doing his best deer in headlights impression to date, just gave a quick nod. The guy muttered a quick apology and resumed his wait in line, Phil could barely hear him from the sound of his own heart in his ears. He was vaguely aware that everyone had gotten a bit quieter after the outburst. He dared to look at the people around him and noticed them giving him curious looks. He felt himself going ditzy suddenly. He swallowed and took a deep breath but it didn’t help because now everyone knew he was trying to calm down. He needed to get out for a second but if he did then he would lose his place in the line. And also the line was moving. 

At that rhythm the possibility existed that Phil was going to throw up the second he opened his mouth in front of Daniel Howl. His heart was racing like crazy and he suddenly felt on the brink of tears. He actually thought he could do this. That for once it wasn’t going to be like this but he was wrong. He needed to leave. He needed to run.

“Hey, um, Phil? You’re next.” the person behind him said, tapping his shoulder.

Was it his turn? Where did everyone else go? Had he just kept walking on autopilot for who knew how long? He looked from the floor to the table in front of him to the slightly amused, slightly concerned person sitting behind it.

“Hi.” The person, Daniel Howl, said with the softest voice. Phil didn’t say anything or get closer. He felt as if he were to give a step his spirit would move on without his body. He was a bit disoriented to say the least. “Want me to sign that for you?” he asked with the same gentle tone, pointing at the book Phil was clinging to for dear life. Phil looked at the book and relaxed his grip on it. He nodded. Howl chuckled softly. “You want me to stand up and go for it? I honestly wouldn’t mind. My legs could do with some stretching.” he joked.

“No, I-” mumbled Phil and stepped forward, handing over the book in silence. He couldn’t think and was so very close to fainting at any given moment.

“Are you okay?” Howl asked him. “Would you like to sit down for a sec?”

Sitting sounded great. Phil nodded.

Howl turned to the chair next to him and removed the box with a few tomes of his latest book for the signing. “Come here, you can sit for a bit and watch me sign some books, how about that?” he said with a friendly smile and patted the chair beside him. Phil just walked around the table to sit like a possessed man. 

When he sat facing the crowd he realized what a huge mistake that had had been. If some people were looking at him curiously before now there was a multitude of people ready to pummel him at the slightest provocation. How dare HE sit next to Daniel Howl? Literally everyone in front of them deserved to be in his place more than him.

“Hey” Howl whispered. Phil looked at him. “Don’t mind them. Focus on me signing the books, okay?” he said, immediately going back to writing on the book he’d been given and talking to the next person in like that was giving Phil lowkey murderous looks, thanking him for coming and answering his questions pleasantly.

Phil did as he was told, paying attention to Howl’s hands and voice. Trying make himself as invisible as possible, taking into account he was a tall, lanky man wearing a yellow Jake the Dog hoodie, sitting next to acclaimed author Daniel Howl who kept directing reassuring smiles at him.

Phil was lucky if he might even be able to stand up and run away never to be seen in that part of town again. He made a move to grab his book except Howl had put it to his left and Phil was to his right. He also wasn’t certain he had signed it yet. What was he supposed to do? Leave without it? 

He bit his lip and waited. His eyes traveled from the current book being signed to the hand signing it, up the arm, to the black jumper’s sleeve, to the long white neck until he was staring at the man’s face. It was the weirdest thing in the world, to be looking at his favorite author face to face. Such a talented human with such a wonderful mind. Phil had had the opportunity to look inside that mind and connect with his characters, feel such intense emotions. He was sitting next to a person that was capable of moving him deeply with the power of his words, a master of his craft, an artist in every extent of the word. Phil became entranced by the man, not altogether losing the sensation of being outside of his body, like all of this was really happening to another person.

“Feeling better?” asked Howl. He was looking back at him with the kind of smile you give to a child that was crying just a bit ago but had by then stopped. Phil nodded. “That’s good.” He turned and grabbed the book Phil gave him. Apparently the staff had ordered a five minute break and was giving out free coffee to the people that had had to wait outside for longer. “Let’s see…” he gave it a look and tilted his face, giving Phil a second glance. “You like this one?” Phil nodded emphatically. Howl smiled thoughtfully. “I haven’t written for this series in almost five years. I thought people had forgotten about it.”

“There’s-“ Phil started to talk but lost the courage as soon as Howl made eye contact with him. He didn’t want to sound silly in front of his idol.

“What is it?” asked Howl softly, giving another reassuring smile. 

Phil broke eye contact and looked at the book instead. He spoke quietly “There’s a lot of fans of the series online. I know- I read that your publishing house decided to discontinue it because it didn’t sell very well back then but a lot of people have read it now and there’s a huge community of fans nowadays.”

“Really?” Howl asked, genuinely surprised. “I had no idea. I mean there’s always the rare person that still asks me questions about it but I always thought it was only the, like, super obsessed fans that love to brag about having read even the most obscure pieces.” He laughed. Phil didn’t, after all he was one of those fans at least online. “So- what do you like about it?” he asked after Phil didn’t say more.

“I- everything!” said Phil, suddenly overwhelmed with feelings “I couldn’t possibly tell you everything I like about it right now. It means so much to me. I love the world you created, it’s so beautifully tragic. It made me think about my life and my relationships in a whole different way. It was truly comforting to see this characters that find each other despite their conditions and the prejudice. They are the undead but they’re not just their circumstances, they go beyond what is expected of them, of what they expect of themselves and find a place in the world among the fear and violence in each other. I-” Phil could feel himself running out of words and could still not make himself sustain eye contact no matter how hard he tried but he did everything in his power to continue trying to explain himself despite the dizzying amounts of blood rushing to his face. “I have a hard time doing a lot of things and sometimes everything feels like too much” he noticed he wouldn’t keep his hands still. “But reading your books it, it gives me- it makes me want to be better than what I am right now. Than what people think of me. It made me realize that I’m not- I’m not- I’m the things that I decide to do, from now on. I decide who I am by doing what’s best. I don’t know. It’s probably silly, god. I’m reading too much into it aren’t I?” 

Phil dared to look at Howl expecting to find an uncomfortable look or an amused expression. But Howl looked thoughtful, curious even. 

“Perhaps” he said mysteriously “But that’s not a bad thing.” He put his elbow on the table and rested his head on his hand “It’s been a while since I wrote those. I was still in college and I wasn’t having too much fun, you see. I always thought they were a bit depressing to be honest. I’m surprised that you found such a positive message from reading this series, in my mind I was writing this edgy, cruel, sad world where nobody could ever be happy ever. Also, I wasn’t about to write zombies fucking so that didn’t sell as well as the other thing I was doing back then with the werewolf porn.” He chuckled. “Necrophilia is where I draw the line, I guess”.

“I mean they weren’t technically zombies? They were humans brought back to life that, okay, sounds like a zombie but after they find the cure they recover their human consciences with the plus side of being immortal. Kind of. If they’re not killed. And there was that cliffhanger at the end of “Prophecy” where you suggested that there was the possibility of them becoming fully human again. 

Dan smiles mischievously. “Is that a common controversy in the Undead fandom? Be honest with me, how much zombie smut fic is there really? What’s the dynamic?” he looks around and leans in closer to Phil. “How do they get it up? I’m curious about people’s theories on that.”

Phil looks at Howl wide eyed. Maybe he was wrong, maybe all the author really cared about was the extravagant sci-fi sex scenes and everything else is an excuse for that. Maybe that’s why he left the Undead series as well, he never cared about motivating people with mental illness in the first place.

Phil looks down at his hands, they’re resting on his legs, the anxious kneading fully stopped. “I’m feeling better.” Phil whispered monotonously. “Can I have my book?”

“Oh.” he pulled back and opened the book, he seemed a bit taken aback. “Sure. Let me just… Phil, was it? Is that your name?” he said and grabbed his marker. Phil nodded. “Alrighty.” He started to write something on the title page and after a while he closed it and gave it back to Phil. “There”. He gave it back to Phil with a hesitant smile.

Phil grabbed it and stood up without reading it. “Thank you” he said in a soft sad voice.

“Yeah. Take care.” Howl said, following Phil with his stare as he waked away. 

Phil walked back home with an increasingly quick step. He had been naive again, too innocent, too hopeful that there was someone out there that truly cared about people like him. It was just like every other time where he had thought he had found someone outside of the internet that would understand him. Howl was just like everyone else, all he cared about was the money and sex. Phil felt like he was going to be sick again.

What was wrong with one good story about love without the complication of sex? Why was everything about THAT all the time?

Phil was aware that Howl wrote erotic literature for a living. He didn’t really have a problem with that, he thought, when he calmed down after a while. But this one story, it felt like it had been made for him. It was silly and immature to see it that way but he kept it so close to his heart it was difficult for him not to feel unreasonably angry about the vulgar assumptions and questions Howl had just made about it, about Phil. It felt very much like Howl had insulted Phil’s mom or best friend or something like that. But the truth was that Howl had insulted Phil and all the other fans of his work by reducing them to hormonal sex crazed people that weren’t capable of appreciating something wholesome.

Which, truth be told, a lot of them were. That was after all his main theme wasn’t it?

Okay, now Phil just had headache. Logic had gone down the drain and he had probably overreacted at the time and ruined the chance to spend more time with his favorite writer, something for which he had waited months and then hours in line. 

If only Phil had been able to be normal and follow his script everything would have been fine, but no, his horrible brain had distorted the whole situation into the nightmare that it probably wasn’t even close to being. Now he wasn’t even sure how things had actually happened. Maybe Howl was making a normal, appropriate comment for the situation. That was probably how he interacted with most of his fans and Phil had been the odd one out of place during the interaction. 

But of course he had been, he always was the weird guy in the group, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Everybody hated him for that. 

Phil’s excitement at the start of the day had become into self-hate, anxiety and despair for himself. When he got home his mother asked him how his event had gone and he smiled sadly and said “It was fine. He signed my book.” He said pointing at the tome as proof for his mother that everything had gone wonderfully.

“That’s great, dear! Let me see.” she asked.

Phil gave the book to her and she opened it to read. She smiled and cooed as she finished. “That’s so sweet of him but why is he apologizing for?” she gave the book back.

Phil frowned in confusion. What was she talking about? Phil opened the page with the writing on it. It read:

“Phil :) 

I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I didn’t intend to do that. It means a lot to me that you care so much about this work in particular as it is very important to me. I would love to hear more of your opinions on the series. Who knows, maybe you’ll give me a couple of ideas for another book? ;)

Thank you for coming to see me.

Lots of non-zombie non-sexual bites, Dan Howl ;D ”

Phil was smiling from ear to ear, blushing like crazy. Howl had apologized and didn’t think Phil was insane and was actually thanking him for coming and wanted to know more about his thoughts on the series. This was the best day in Phil’s life, he was ecstatic. He held his dear book against his chest and hugged it tightly feeling the weight of the world off of his shoulders, he was in fact feeling like he could fly.

“Aww, look at you, I’ve never seen you like this about anyone before.” smiled his mother. “Do you think he’d want to come to dinner?” Kathryn joked, hugging Phil from the side.

“Mom! Oh my God.” he moaned, embarrassed. “He’s a celebrity, he’s probably having dinner in his fancy hotel room with champagne flutes and caviar and a hundred dollar steak or something.”

“Well that sounds depressing. We should invite him over for a nice home cooked meal, he must be homesick from all that touring around.” Kathryn mused, leaning her head on Phil’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, alright. Daniel Howl is going to come to my house to have dinner with my family.” Phil looked at his mother in the eye “You, have a wild imagination, young lady.”

“I must certainly do not!” she said, scandalized. “I’ll bet he would be delighted to come. Famous people are not another species Philip, they’re like everyone else except we treat them like they’re made of porcelain. Maybe he just wants to be treated like a normal person for once.”

“I guess…” Phil shrugged. It was still just a fantasy. This whole conversation was pointless. He kissed his mother on the top of the head and went back to his room with his book. His favorite book signed by his favorite author, he smiled to himself as he walked up the stairs. 

The guys from the group were going to freak out when he told them he had been face to face with Howl, sat next to him, talked to him and he’d gotten his autograph without managing to embarrass himself so much he’d want to disappear of the face of the earth. He was also kind of glad that was over. He couldn’t imagine his poor heart managing anything similar to that for a long time.

Meanwhile in the first floor, Kathryn had her phone on her hand and was composing a simple message.

“@DanHowl Hello dear, my son Phil just met you and I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with us tonight. Love, Kath. P.D. I’m making Mexican.”


	2. Car Exposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and his agent, Hazel, are on their car ride after the meetup when they notice Kath's invitation.

Dan was thanking the bookshop owner and waiting for his agent to call the Uber to the hotel. It had been an exhausting yet fulfilling day and weirdly enough, instead of feeling tired he had a type of restlessness in him. Mostly, he assumed, was the fact that he had been sitting and sleeping in a car two thirds of the week only to be sitting for hours for the meetups and then he had had to go to his hotel room with all this unspent energy and try to sleep but actually he ended up writing until dawn like the workaholic insomniac that he’d become. Fine, that he’d always been.

It wasn’t even that he was being productive currently. The mountains of writing were mostly half baked scenarios, some bits of dialogue he wanted to experiment with, concepts and quotes that had potential but not really anything he could use to get started on a coherent plot.

His editor, Louise, was pressuring him to get some well-deserved vacations after the tour, to “get the juices flowing”. She said to have some real life experiences, meeting new people would help enrich his work. Dan wasn’t so keen on that if he was being honest. He just wanted to get home after the tour and sleep in his own bed, browse the internet, watch some anime and write whatever idea he got from a twenty hour marathon of Japanese and American shows followed by philosophy essays and contemporary music. And porn, lots of porn.

Dan, suddenly remembered there was a way to release some of that restlessness and maybe get some good night sleep. Although the prospect was a bit disheartening. He could imagine getting together with some attractive fan to discuss his work, have some drinks and flirt, maybe invite them to his room to “talk” some more. Ultimately he would try and get an idea for some new story or character out of them and hope they wouldn’t recognize themselves in future books and sue his ass. Even just thinking about it made him feel like an asshole.

Dan took a few pictures with the people at the bookshop and said his goodbyes. His agent, Hazel, met with him at the backdoor and talked with the Uber driver while they walked to the street corner.

“He’ll be here in five.” Hazel let him know and kept look out for the specific car that would pick them up.

“Are you doing anything later?” asked Dan casually. They were friends. They never really hung out but that could change, right?

“I’m having a Big Salad because I’m super dehydrated and starving and a marathon of Grey’s Anatomy while taking a bath with some white bubbly wine. I’ll probably fall asleep in the bath so I’d appreciate it if you texted me at like seven to make sure I don’t drown. I want to really relax before I have to worry about getting you ready for the next venue and all the last minute issues I’m going to have to deal with. And you?”

“Exactly the same, up to the last detail. I’m plagiarizing your evening because it sounds amazing to be honest.” he answered.

“Really?” Hazel smirked “Well I’d ask you to join me but the sight of you makes me a bit sick after standing in front of the giant poster with your face on it for six hours, mate.” she joked, elbowing him playfully. “If you still can’t sleep why not use that Jacuzzi you fought so hard to get into the budget, right?”

Daniel sighed, “Back then I had in mind this fit guy and a pretty girl on each side of the Jacuzzi telling me how much they liked the way I overused the passive tense, how it was so hot that the character’s names had a relation with their personalities, reciting sexy songfics among the foam and, they were naked, there where candles and passionate talk about androids.”

Hazel chuckled “Nerd.”

“But now I am faced with the awareness of how ethically reprehensible it would be to use my fame to have sex with a fan.” he turned towards Hazel and put his hands on her shoulders so she looked directly at his eyes. “That was the only reason I wanted to be a famous writer, Hazel, but now that I am I can’t do it without feeling like scum.” he mocked crying into her shoulder.

“Aw. There, there. You poor baby. Look at the bright side.” she said as she patted his head disinterestedly with one hand and texted the Uber driver with the other.

“Which is?” he mumbled into her sweater.

“The money, obviously. Is that even a question?”

Dan stepped back as Hazel waved at the car. They both got inside and greeted the driver as he started moving.

“I don’t want people to sleep with me for my money either, that’s gross. I mean, just the idea of someone forcing themselves to touch me for monetary gain is sickening.” he practically melted into his seat.

“If it makes you feel better I wouldn’t sleep with you for all the money in the UK.” she smiled sweetly.

“Surprisingly, it doesn’t.” Dan glared.

They kept quiet for a while, each looking through their own phone. Dan felt like checking the impression he’d made on his fans after the meet up. He went through his recent mentions, smiling and even laughing at the excited tweets from the people he had met that day.

KallyR said “I AM READY TO ASCEND. @DHowl made my day! He is so nice!? I thought he’d be a jerk WTF?? I’m so happpy!!!” it was accompanied by a picture of an older teenage girl with a long braid leaning on the table next to him. Someone else had taken the picture, it was nice.

Eliteboyelmer said “@DHowl His smile is like a million bees buzzing in my heart :))))) Also, he is so gay IRL lol” and attached a selfie he had been asked to take holding hands and smiling.

There were a lot of pictures of him with his fans, it was heartwarming to make all that people happy for a bit. Even if some of them where kind of scary, like the girl that had brought that explicit fan art and asked Dan if he could put on lipstick and kiss it instead of the customary autograph. He had politely declined but accepted to sign his name in an extremely detailed anatomically correct android’s uhm, sexy devise. She had been ecstatic. He almost called security.

Then there were the really sweet people, those who talked about how much they cared for his characters and how it made them happy to read what he wrote. It was his favourite part of the job, it was too bad he never knew what to say to them. Like any good insecure artist he craved the compliments like a bitch in heat but got embarrassed and awkward after getting them and said the most inappropriate thing he could think of, acting like he didn’t really care either way. In that aspect, meet ups where a kind of purgatory for him but he mostly had learned to act appropriately to cause a good impression, maybe to the point of overcompensating.

“Dan.” called Hazel. “Look, one of your fans’ moms invited you over for dinner. Do you like mexican?”

“Lol. What? Let me see.” He leaned closer to look at her phone. Indeed, that was exactly what it said on the tweet. ‘Kathlest011’ was inviting him to have dinner at her home. She said he had met her son Phil earlier, probably at the meetup. “This is kind of adorable.” he smiled, “The most adorable way to kidnap slash murder someone, probably.”

“This is how you want to go, yes? Choked to death by an old lady, you perv.” said Hazel, squinting at him accusingly.

“I will neither confirm nor deny having written that scenario in my dreams.”

“Let’s check her account, if she only tweets about knitting and kittens we might have to call the police.” said Hazel seriously, tapping on Kathlest011’s profile picture.

“Absolutely.” said Dan equally serious.

There were indeed a bit of cute animal videos, recipes, freaking out because of the new season of her favorite show and a lot of pictures of a recent family trip. Hazel tapped on one of the family portraits. They were on a field in front of a mountain with backpacks and a picnic basket on the grass. The older woman had to be the mom, the older man her husband probably and two young men and a girl were on either side. They were all wearing sunglasses and looking cool as heck.

“That’s a nice fam.” commented Dan.

“Is the son you met one of these guys?” asked Hazel.

“I’m not sure, with the glasses I can’t tell.” said Dan.

“She said his name was Phil, maybe he’s responded to something?” Hazel suggested and started searching for a Phil.

It didn’t take long, the first dog video had an “AmazingPhil” response: “OMG I want to EAT it. Let me get a dog, mother.”

Kath responded to it “Never, child. You’re allergic.”

Phil reacted with “:’( I can’t have one at the apartment it’s against the rules. If you get one I’ll take ALL the antihistaminic”.

Kath answered “That doesn’t sound healthy, I don’t like you taking so much medicine”.

Phil wrote “KATH DECLARES MEDICINE UNHEALTHY. Stop the presses!!! The controversy! The scandal!!!”

“You’re grounded.”

“D:>”

Hazel tapped on the son’s profile picture. He was a pale man with black hair and blue eyes. He was wearing a bright yellow shirt.

“Ring a bell?” Hazel looked at Dan to search for signs of recognition.

“I think so?” he squinted “His hair was different, maybe.” he shrugged like he wasn’t sure.

“Well that’s a shame, with that emo hair he’d be just your type.” she joked.

“I will not dignify that with a response mostly because it’s partially true and the death of emo hair is ruining my love life.” he pretended to be about to cry.

“Maybe you can ask Phil to comb it down for you” she winked, wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and mocked making out with an invisible partner. 

“Ha. ha.” he deadpanned, he reached for her phone and looked through Phil’s tweets. Had Phil mentioned meeting him that day? If his brain could remember a face it was of the people with whom he’d had an awkward interaction. What if he told everyone what a jerk Dan had been with him?

Phil’s most recent tweet was: “A happy Phil =)” and it was from a bit over two hours ago so it was a safe guess that he wasn’t still upset. Or he was upset but pretending not to be. Or he was happy because he could finally burn all of his Daniel Howl collection and make room for more productive and intellectual books. The tweets before that one where from before the meetup. They read: “I’m so nervous I might pass out.”, “@kickthepj can’t come because of work :((( TRAITOR!! jk I <3 you Peej but I wish you could come :(” “Okay, I’m freaking out as it is and you guys aren’t helping! I’m turning off my phone. See you on the other side ;P”

Now that he noticed, there were a lot of responses to most of Phil’s tweets. The most recent one had a hundred and two responses already. He had four thousand followers. That was surprising. He scrolled back in the timeline to see what that was about.

“Ok, now who’s the stalker?” asked Hazel lifting an eyebrow.

“Back then he mentioned something about the fandom of my first books. The zombie ones. He told me there were thousands of fans of the series online and it was an actual active community. Did you know?”

“Um yeah, it’s my job to know. Although, I didn’t think you would care for it.” she admitted.

“Why not?” Dan felt that was an unfair assessment on Hazel’s part. He cared a lot about his fans. He interacted with them online and liked cool fanart on Tumblr, he even read popular fanfiction once in a while when he was looking to see what his audience liked.

“The Undead people are twenty five to thirty five year olds that read it back when it first came out and fifteen to twenty-somethings that found them on some used book shop and other hipster venues among the trashy romance novels. The last you published something from Undead was seven years ago.” she explained. Dan didn’t see the point of it. Hazel sighed and seemed to be pondering about something.

“So?”

“Look, don’t take this the wrong way but I’ve heard the rumors from people you worked with back then. And all the drama from when you left that particular series. I didn’t think you’d appreciate the reminder.” Hazel shrugged. Dan pursed his lips and looked away. So that was why.

“Back then was- a mixture of factors”. He struggled for the right words as always. His whole work, hell, his whole life was looking for the exact words that kept him from being misunderstood yet failing a lot at it. “The first book, Coming Home, was a moderate success, right? So I got a contract for two more parts at seventeen. Do you know what that is? Seventeen! I didn’t know anything about the industry. I didn’t even think about publishing until Louise went to my high school to give a talk about being a writer and ask us to bring her our own stories if we wanted so she could check them out.”

“So I brought her my story about zombies that I’d been writing all year and she told me she liked it and help me correct my style and redaction after class on a writing workshop for teens she gave on the side. When we were happy with the result she talked to me about publishing and I was so impressed by her world I said yes.”

“And then? When did the problems start?” asked Hazel.

“After the success of the first book it kind of got to my head, you know? I was young and stupid and kind of rubbed it on the faces of my family and friends a lot?” he still felt guilty about that, no matter how many times he told himself that it had been their fault for not believing in him in the first place, for telling him to choose a more realistic career path, he knew that wasn’t fair. He could’ve definitely dealt better with the sudden fame.

“I wrote the second book in six months. I focused completely on that, my grades started going to hell but after it was done I got into summer classes and barely passed all my courses. My parents were not happy and told me to stop writing and focus instead on getting into law school or med or something useful.”

“Doctor Daniel Howell. We dodged a bullet there, uh?” said Hazel with a smirk.

“Obviously.” deadpanned Dan. “Anyway, the second book sold pretty nicely for the amount that was printed. Thousand copies of the first… fifteen hundred of the second and then another thousand of the first.”

“Nice start, rookie.” Hazel reckoned. Of course she already knew all that, but she also knew Dan sometimes needed to order things in his head to make sense of them like he would with a story. A beginning, a middle and a resolution.

“I took the entrance exam and made it into law but I was less than interested and continued to procrastinate everything that had to do with my course. I also kind of stopped writing and dedicated most of my time to going to parties, hooking up with attractive people and drinking a bit.” he added, still a bit ashamed about that. He knew it wasn’t that uncommon for a guy his age to be interested in those things but that was still a low point in his life when he felt lost and angry with himself for not being able to have a “productive” passion, for not being what his parents wanted. And also, he was beginning to realize it wasn’t just about writing, but about not being as straight as he told himself he was. He felt like he would be a failure if he gave up his dreams and he’d be a failure if he didn’t. So he drank and forgot about both. A double failure.

“So,” Hazel added, seeing as Dan had sunken into the seat and seemed lost in himself. “As to why you abandoned the series, this was the reason? Too much partying?” she prompted Dan to continue.

“What? No, I just ran out of ideas.” he said offhandedly. 

Hazel looked affronted. “You could’ve skipped the exposition, Howell. I’m telling Louise you built up a dramatic revelation and did not deliver.”

“Ohhh, noo.” he mock whined. “Louise is so scawy.”

“You’re terrified.” she stuck her tongue out and went back to her phone. “Do you want me to tell you what I heard about why you abandoned the series?” she taunted him.

“No.” he said, glaring at her. 

She did anyway. “They said that you met a guy of whom you became absolutely enamored and you started dating him.”

“I did not consent to this.” he said covering his face with his hands.

“He hated the Undead Series and told you so. He said you needed to write more mature themes. So you did. Louise wasn’t sure about the change but trusted you because all in all, there was still a good story among the filth. Oh, and you made sure they couldn’t cut the dirty parts, putting vital plot points and justifying every bit of it. It was genius. And the people loved it! Because guess what? Sex sells. Who would’ve known, right?”

“Everybody knows. It was stupid I didn’t do it from the beginning.” he agreed monotonously, laying on the seat.

“I mean, let’s agree fifty percent of your genius is Louise’s editing. But anyway, this guy, he saw that his idea was getting profitable so he started resenting you. He asked you for expensive gifts and money all the time and got angry when you wouldn’t give him something he asked for. He would start with the guilt trips and get his way in the end. I heard the situation got pretty ugly with him by the end because he was a manipulative asshole that made you very unhappy.”

Dan didn’t say anything. He wanted to get to the hotel already and get away from the current conversation as soon as possible.

“Dan, it’s fine.” sighed Hazel “Look, I’m sorry I brought it up. I just need to be on the same page here with you. Just, tell me. Do you want or not to get in touch with your early work and it’s fans again or, I don’t know, you prefer to continue like you have so far.”

“Which is?” he groaned.

“Wallowing in shame and denying you miss your zombies.” she answered softly.

“I don’t miss them, they were childish and a waste of effort. They were the product of an emotional teenager that didn’t know better and the prospect of going back to that part of my life sounds like the worst time travel scenario ever.” he recited like he’d said those words in that same manner a thousand times.

“But…” she invited Dan to go on. He didn´t respond for a while. 

“It- surprised me? That there are people who still care for that story. And it’s kind of shitty for them that I never finished it and I never even mention it anymore. It absolutely looks like I sold out, which is unfair because I actually whored myself out which is different in essence because I didn’t do it for the money but for a whole lot of sex.”

“That was one sentence too much information but do hurry up with the epiphany we’re one street away from the hotel.” she warned him.

“I think you should go have mexican with the old lady, this hotel’s food tastes like wet cardboard.” said Rufus, their Uber driver.

Both Dan and Hazel looked at him surprised. They’d totally forgot he was there listening the whole time. They made eye contact with each other and started laughing, Rufus laughed too, proud of his comedic timing.

“I do like mexican.” wheezed Dan, recovering. He smiled, all traces of the bad mood gone.

"I'm not having you kidnapped, Howell." said Hazel, semi-seriously. "Even if few people would kidnap a giant man like you in plain daylight. Maybe breakfast would be safer." she mused.

“Her son seemed a bit on edge back then. I can imagine him having a heart attack if he sees me casually having breakfast with his mom. Tell her to ask him first if it’s okay for me to go, I don’t want to get sued again.” contemplated Dan, getting ready to open the door of the car.

“Wait, what? We’re just joking, right?” asked Hazel, disconcerted by the request. “We’re not going to this strange person’s house, Howell.”

“No, we’re not. I am.” he assured her.

“What? No. Why?” stuttered Hazel.

“Because, you told me I needed to stop getting away from the thing. Well, this is me not getting away from the thing by sitting to have a meal with a fan of my abandoned work and taking responsibility for my lack of commitment with the story they love.”

“That’s not what I meant.” groaned Hazel, “You can make an apology statement, or a mini sequel that ties the loose ends, or make a collaboration with an artist or a reference to it on a tweet. Not this.”

“Nope, this is the poetic irony I’ve been waiting for.” declared Dan, confidently “An attractive guy got me away from my beloved zombies, it must be another guy, if one somewhat terrified of me" he mumbled the last part to himself", who brings me back to it. Plus I kind of already told him I wanted to discuss ideas with him for a possible sequel.”

“WHAT!” yelled Hazel. “You shared confidential non-approved information about a non-existent future work with an active member of your fanbase and I’m just hearing about it?!” 

“Ah-” Dan immediately opened the door of the car and got out, saying goodbye to Rufus and running for his life towards the hotel lobby. Hazel stayed behind for a bit but quickly ran and got to him as he was repeatedly pressing the elevator buttons to open the doors faster, which had never worked for anybody and didn’t work for him either. 

“I fucking hate you, Howell. You realize now I have to customize and print a non-disclosure agreement and take it to this guy to sign before we get to the next venue for which we need to leave at nine a.m. max, right?” she rubbed circles on her temples trying to fight the migraine that was coming to her.

“I might have written it on his book next to my signature. So you should add that he can’t share that as well.” he flinched as he let her know he gave this person written proof that he was planning to write a book he didn’t actually plan on writing. He didn’t mean to lie about it, he just wanted to maybe encourage this adorable person to maybe contact him again and tell him everything he loved about his old book as an ego boost that he absolutely did not need. Fine, he was a pathetic person and that was a surprise to absolutely nobody.

“Go, take a shower and arrange that dinner with the mother, I’ll go get the papers ready and then you’re on your own. I don’t fucking care if you get murdered.” hissed Hazel and got in the elevator. As Daniel attempted to get in as well, she barked “Take. The stairs!” and Dan immediately stepped back and proceeded to do as told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was one long chat, OMG, when will things actually HAPPEN?!
> 
> My goal is 4k per chapter so when I reach that more or less I update :)
> 
> Thank you so much for kudos, comments and just reading in general <3


	3. To flee or not to flee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil receives unexpected news and doesn’t know what to do with himself.

A loud noise from the kitchen startled Phil but he promptly ignored it. He had had his phone off during the meetup so he decided to call PJ first of all, if only to fanboy at him profusely and tell him everything that had happened that morning and how he almost died because of how awkward he was. He was staying at his parent’s house for the time being. He and PJ used to live together but when Sophie moved in Phil felt way too awkward to be living with a couple (his parents didn’t count, not that he didn’t feel bad about burdening them as well) and decided to leave even though his friend insisted he stayed. He ultimately understood Phil’s discomfort because no one knew him better than PJ but still, they couldn’t deny the distance affected their friendship so Phil tried to keep in touch as much as he could.

“I told you to take deep breaths and picture everyone naked. Did you do that, champ?” asked PJ in that soothing tone of voice he had.

“Naked people are not as comforting for me as they seem to be for you, Peej.” said Phil, forgetting about the noise.

“You are meant to find comfort in thinking of a hypothetical scenario where bodies are natural, non-sexualized entities and so everyone feels comfortable in their own skin. Do keep your mind out of the gutter, please.” Phil could imagine him rolling his eyes theatrically. He smiled. “So… was he, y'know,” said PJ, making a charged paused. “…left handed?” he breathed heavily into the phone. Phil laughed.

“Yes,” he responded, gravelly. “Extremely so.”

“Oh, my. Tell me more.” he invited in an enthusiastic manner.

“He has curly hair now.” said Phil scrapping the bottom of the barrel for things to tell. He seemed to have forgotten most details about the encounter. It was all a big blur of emotion.

“Therefore he is a magical creature.” PJ declared. “Go on.”

“He has brown eyes…” he winced. Did he have brown eyes? He only remember them looking at him kindly.

PJ gasped. “A mermaid” he whispered reverently.

“No fishtail. Sorry, Peej.”

“No, no, wait a second. Maybe he got them from his mother. His mother could be a mermaid, we don’t know his life.”

“Alright.” allowed Phil.

“What else?”

“Um, actually he looks like a brown haired boy emoji? He was really nice though. I was dissociating a bit so he asked me if I was okay and also if I wanted to sit next to him. I’m pretty sure everyone in line wanted to murder me when I did.”

“I am officially jelly as heck.” said PJ, “See, there are advantages to being terrified of people. Now when you’re a famous movie maker yourself and you two meet at some fancy party he’ll be able to remember the guy who sat next to him and was about to faint that one time.”

“That’s literally the thing I don’t want to be remembered by.” he moaned “And I’m going to be an editor, there is no such thing as a famous editor. We lurk in the shadow of directors and want to be left alone.”

“Well, I would be honored to introduce you to everyone I know as the genius editor behind my first full-length production. I will demand only you to attend all of my studio events in neon pink suits and wear a light up hat and the word ‘genius ’written across the butt.”

“I am hanging up. I did not call for you to describe my worst nightmare to me.” Phil deadpanned.

“Fine, but do think about it. I have a feeling I’m getting closer, y'know. I sent the script to all the places last month. I think I left a copy at the McDonald’s too, I don’t know why. It seemed like a good idea at the time but it might have been the fifth refill of coffee I got while I was working there. The wi-fi’s great, the coffee well...”

“How’s the side project going?” asked Phil.

“Things are getting good. Sophie came up with the missing scenes in the storyboard and we are almost ready to finish animating this bad boy.”

“That’s so great! I can’t wait to see the next episode of "The little boatman that went to space”. Does he find water in space? Do the people eating-boat loving space creatures eat him slash make him their king? I need to know!”

PJ laughed. "Calm, my friend. All in due time.”

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” shouted Phil. It was his mother.

“Are you going somewhere this afternoon, boy?” she asked in what seemed to be an attempt at casualty.

"Uh, maybe.” he replied, he didn’t have anywhere else to be or do for the rest of the day if he ignored the unedited video essay he had to get to. “Why?” he added suddenly, getting an emergency excuse ready to go. Years spent under Kath’s care thought him to look for suspicious behavior to match suspiciously simple questions. Slightly high-pitched voice, leaning on things weirdly, poker face. All three present right there under his doorframe.

“Why don’t you check that schedule of yours and make sure you’re free?” she suggested looking amused. Ok, she was definitely up to something.

“Actually I might have plans with PJ later.” he said and heard his friend ask “We have plans?” next to his ear but ignored it.

“Well then why don’t you invite him over for dinner too? I’m sure he’d very much like to meet Mr. Howl.”

It took Phil a moment to process what his mother had just said and even then it didn’t make any sense.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.” he said. Kath might as well had just spoken a foreign language.

“I told you earlier. Did you forget?” she mimed taking Phil’s temperature and looking worried but was clearly having the time of her life for reasons Phil was starting to become very concerned about.

“Tell me what?”

“I told you that you should invite Mr.Howl to dinner tonight.” she said, simply.

“So?”

“You wouldn’t do it so I did. It and turns out he’ll be here by seven tonight!” She told him speaking rapidly and seeming mighty satisfied with herself. Phil just started at her.

“No, he’s not. What are you saying? I don’t understand. Are you ok? Do you need a doctor?” asked Phil consecutively, slightly afraid his mother was having some form of a stroke.

“How many times am I going to have to say it? Mr. Howl, the author you haven’t been able to stop talking about meeting for the last month, the one who signed your book a few hours ago. He’s going to be at our house tonight eating enchiladas with us. Isn’t that wonderful?” she told him excitedly “I didn’t think it would really work!”

“What would work?”

“Philip Michael, you’re being impossible.” she argued and crossed her arms.

“And you’re talking in riddles!” he defended himself.

“Well, I have informed you now like he told me to. Multiple times I told you. It’s up to you if you don’t believe me.” she said and left the room. Phil opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t think of an appropriate answer to what had just happened.

“What was that?” asked PJ next to his hear.

“Kath says Dan Howl is coming over to eat enchiladas.” 

“And that’s code for…”

“I have no idea.” 

“Very strange.”

“Do you want to come over to eat enchiladas?” asked Phil. 

He assumed the answer would be a no. After all, PJ was a busy man with a girlfriend and multiple projects under his sleeve, most often than not one involved the other. They used to be inseparable when they were students but now they mostly had conflicting schedules that allowed them to get together only two or three times a month. Okay, PJ had a complex schedule, Phil often dreaded the idea to go out to places with lots of people and hanging out with PJ’s artist friends, most of them actors. Even when networking was vital to his career it was absolute hell for him. He just wanted to make movies and skip that step.

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I want to finish the animation soon so I can add it to my portfolio and also contact a couple of producers to present the project. Maybe next week?” said PJ hopeful. He sounded like he actually wanted to come but couldn’t. At least that’s what Phil wanted to believe to protect himself from the intrusive thoughts that told him he was always bothering PJ, keeping him from hanging out with more interesting people. He knew PJ liked him and he was a very kind and genuine person but sometimes he took his friend’s busy calendar a little too personally.

“Yeah, next week sounds great.” he said trying but failing to appear optimistic about the future. “Um, I got to go figure out what’s Kath’s deal. I’ll text you later, ok? Sorry I called by the way, I know nobody makes phone calls anymore but I was really excited.” he laughed self-consciously.

“Phil.” said PJ “You can call me anytime, you’re one of my best friends!” He knew PJ meant to reassure him but just the fact that he said “one of” and not “his best friend” made every fear of being an annoyance even worse.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry.” he said and then remembered the conversation they had about apologizing too much. “Shit. Sorry!” he apologized for cursing. "Fuck!” he cursed when he realized he apologized again. “Sorry! Oh god. Please hang up and end my suffering.”

PJ chuckled. “I mean it’s kind of adorable so I’m not sure I want to. Try not to think about it too much, ok? It’ll get easier.” he reassured him. “And do call me with the Kath gossip. I am intrigued to see what that’s about.”

“Alright. Don’t expect much though. Maybe it’s some weird meme she saw on the internet. That always has unexpected results.” he giggled.

“Well even then.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Phil went back to his computer to post a tweet about how mothers were otherworldly creatures when he saw that Kath herself had just tweeted something a few hours ago.

And it had a response.

“@kathlest011 you know what? my agent approves. DM me the deets ;)”

So… it wasn’t a meme or a stroke or a riddle or secret mom code. Interesting.

Phil sat still for a moment, then proceeded to close his laptop shut, put it on his bag and take it with him as he stood up, opened the door, calmly walked down the stairs, crossed the living room quietly after making sure nobody was close by, tiptoed towards the entrance door before his father’s voice disrupted his perfect escape as soon as he opened it to step out.

“Phil, son.” said Nigel, glad but surprised. “I thought you had your book thing today.”

“Yeah, hi! I just came back.” Phil explained, trying to be quiet so his mother wouldn’t hear him. “But I was just leaving again actually.” he added, pointing towards the outside world.

“Can you stay for a while? I was meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Could it be another time?” Phil said. While he felt guilty over ditching his dad, it was of prime importance that he left right then.

“It would be better if we talked today.” he said a bit too serious.

“I can be back by eight?” Maybe the danger would be over by then.

“Where are you going in such a rush at five in the afternoon, son?” Nigel lifted am eyebrow “Maybe you have a date to get to?”

“God no. I’m trying to run away from one actually.” he mumbled more for himself.

“How so?”

Phil tried to explain as best as he could so his father would be understanding, “You know how mum sometimes invites her friend’s sons and daughters that are around my age "over for dinner” and she spends the whole time talking about all the achievements I’ve got since I learned how to talk and how cute I am? And it’s painfully obvious it’s a date set up, especially when she asks you to help her in the kitchen even though she doesn’t like people to go there when she’s busy?“

"I may know what you are talking about.” he acknowledged.

“She does it to get me and the person alone and then you take ages to come back. One time you didn’t even come back!”

“Well excuse me if your mother and I would want some alone time and thought our almost thirty year old son could handle guests.” he said and Phil felt terrible all of a sudden.

He had been back home for five months now and he still hadn’t got a place of his own. He had visited a couple of places from the classifieds but the people he’d met had been either terrifying or way too nice, nice enough that it was suspicious. A couple even flirted with him once, literally a couple, as in husband and a wife together. Still, his parents deserved their space and to stop worrying about him so much.

“I know, I’m sorry. I really am trying to get my own place. I know it’s kind of bothersome having your adult son living with you for this long.” said Phil sincerely. Nigel shook his head and dismissed the comment.

“Forget about that. So there’s people coming over?”

“Yeah. Mom invited someone I just met today and they said yes but I don’t know why, it doesn’t make sense.”

“Why wouldn’t they say yes?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“I just met them! He doesn’t know if I’m some crazy stalker or something. Also I don’t want to have dinner with him and the parents just yet.” he said a bit sarcastic and loud at the end. He felt bad about that.

“Fine. That’s fair. If you’re uncomfortable about this then I guess you can…”

“Why are you two over there? Close the door, love, the bugs are getting in.” said a woman’s voice behind Phil.

“Hello, darling.” said Nigel with half a smile. He closed the door sending a look at Phil as if saying “you’re out of luck, bud”.

“Actually, I was just going out.” said Phil, defiantly facing his mother.

Kath kissed Nigel on the cheek and took his coat. “You’re going to PJ’s?” she asked distractedly.

“No, I’m going somewhere else. I’ll be back at eight. Maybe. It might take longer. I might go to PJ’s after. But I really must go. Now.” he said.

“Okay dear, have fun.” she said as she took Nigel’s arm with her own and pulled him into the living room.

Phil just stood there, unsure. “I’m not going to make it to dinner!” he called from the hallway.

“I’ll invite Martin and tell him he can bring Cornelia if he likes. She’ll take your spot.”

“Martin and Cornelia don’t even like Howl’s books!” he argued before thinking about it.

“I’m sure he is a pleasant person that would like to be judged for more than his public persona, dear.” Kath said, still not paying much attention to him.

Phil followed them to the living room. “What are you even going to talk about with him, you don’t even know him.”

“That’s how you get to know people, dear. You talk to them. Honestly, I don’t understand why you are so worked up about this. Aren’t you going late for your appointment?” she said with exaggerated nonchalance.

“Yeah. I am.” Phil said dumbly. “I’ll be going now.” but still didn’t move.

“Alright, dear. If you’re going far you might want to take the car. Nigel, give the child the keys will you?” she said.

Phil’s father had been watching the interaction with slight amusement. It wasn´t every day that he got to see both his wife and son playing this strange game of denial right in front of him. Phil was dreading having to go to the library and stay there for three hours to lose time even if he could get some work done. Kath wasn’t going to force him to stay which made him feel unexpectedly upset.

“You are both unbelievable.” he said fondly and shook his head. He threw his keys towards Phil who barely caught them.

“Okay. Bye.” said Phil.

“Be safe.” his mother said with a smile. His father waved.

Without further ado Phil clutched the keys and walked out the door. He went to the car, unlocked it, got in and put the key in the ignition but he still didn’t leave. 

There were moments like this in his life, Phil thought, where the desire to flee a situation was just as powerful as his desire to stay. And then he couldn’t think, he couldn’t move and worst of all he couldn’t decide. 

What was the worst that could happen? His anxiety said: “Death, fire, public shame and the eternal loathing of his a person whose work he respected”. That he saw how pathetic he really was, how he hadn’t accomplished anything at thirty and was living with his parents even if, admittedly, he had already moved out for nine or so years before this period of time where he had chosen to come back. And he also had a job editing educational videos for universities, high schools and elementary schools, even if it wasn’t what he really wanted to do with his degree and didn’t pay all that well.

On the other hand. What would be the good side of staying? Nothing came to mind other than getting to redo his awful first meeting and not be such a mess of a person. Maybe he could actually ask for a selfie this time around. He probably wouldn’t, if he was to stay. Which he wasn’t.

He could also ask about how he imagined the Undead Series ending, he probably wouldn’t tell Phil but he was really curious about that. He wanted to ask about what he was going through while writing it, if he saw himself in the main character somehow. He wanted to know why he thought they were such depressing books when Phil found them so hopeful and why did he never finish them. Howl said it was because they hadn’t sold so well but that didn’t add up, there must’ve been something else.

He sighed and closed his eyes as he rested his head against the steering wheel. Maybe he could take a nap in the car while everything passed and then he wouldn’t have to make a decision. All this was giving him a stomachache. Soon enough, his parents were going to realize he hadn’t started the car and left so his mother was going to come and ask questions and he’d have a breakdown trying to explain what was going on through his head. He really needed to leave now but he didn’t like to drive when he was feeling like this.

He didn’t like to drive in general. One time he’d been unable to get out of a roundabout for over fifteen minutes and when he finally got out a bunch of cars started to aggressively honk at him. Also, he’d taken the wrong exit. He got lost a lot because his orientation sense was the worst, he got left and right mixed constantly and one time he would’ve sworn he heard the Google Maps voice sigh dejectedly as he turned the wrong way for the fifth time in half an hour.

A few minutes passed of Phil thinking about all the reasons he was an inadequate adult man, son, human being and friend before he actually started to doze off. He didn’t actually mean to do it but it had been a draining day and all he wanted was to be in his bed watching cute animal videos and resting his head on a nice comfy pillow.

He woke up to someone tapping on the car door’s window. He felt disoriented as to where he was and why it was so dark all of sudden but when he saw the steering wheel he remembered he was in the car, just outside his parents’ house and should probably be going. Phil rubbed his eyes and went to adjust his rear-view mirror when another tap startled him.

He turned to look out his side window expecting to see one of his parents or Martin but instead he found himself face to face with Daniel Howls’ smiling face. He looked thoroughly amused by finding Phil sleeping in the car which Phil perceived as a more annoying that embarrassing. Phil frowned and sleepily rolled the glass down.

“Hi!” Howl said half laughing and leaning on the door. “Is this where we’re eating? I guess you do know how to make a memorable evening, Phil.”

Phil squinted. “There’s literally a whole house right over there.” he said pointing at it.

“Then why are you sleeping here, uh, Phil?” Howl said, again making an irritating emphasis on his name.

“I dozed off for a minute. I don’t- usually sleep here.” Phil said dumbly.

“But see, look how cute you looked.” Howl said and showed Phil his phone screen with a picture of him with his cheek leaning on the wheel, face limp and a bit of drool on his lip, his arms falling freely on his lap. It looked incredibly uncomfortable and awkward not at all cute.

“Oh god. Why did you even take that?” Phil said mortified. His head fell forward, imitating the position on the photo.

“Well, fans take candid pics of me all the time without my permission. I sometimes like to return the favor.” he shrugged.

“Well it’s incredibly rude.” he grumbled.

“Um, yeah. I guess that’s true.” Howl said, suddenly unsure. “You want me to delete it, don’t you?”

“I don’t care, just don’t go putting it on social media or something.”

Howl chuckled. “That’s the first time a fan’s asked me that but sure. I swear on my life no one but you and I will see this beauty.” He winked.

Phil straightened up and looked back at the writer. “Can I ask you something? Why are you here?” he asked. Why on earth would a famous writer randomly accept to have dinner at his fan’s parents’ house.

“Um, Kath asked me to come look for you.” he simply stated, misunderstanding his question, and nodded towards the house.

“What?” he asked and looked at the house’s window and saw his mother looking out for a second before hiding behind the curtain when he noticed him looking back. Of course. “So you met my mom, already. Wonderful.” he mumbled.

“Shut up, she’s an angel and I’m looking forward to having her look at me judgmentally when I ask for seconds and thirds. Fuck, your house smells amazing and I’m starving. Get out of the car!” he moaned and pushed himself against the car to make it shake with Phil inside.

“You write really well for a five year old!” Phil replied as he closed the window and tried to open the car door with the added difficulty.

“Thanks, you are snarky for a guy that a few hours ago was terrified to meet me.” Howl grinned.

“Clearly, you did not live up to my expectations.” he deadpanned and locked the car before going on his way back to the house without waiting for the other. 

“So it seemed. Did you read what I wrote?” he asked, catching up to him not unlike an eager puppy.

“Yeah. That was nice, thank you.” he said quietly. It was more difficult to be sincere than to be upset apparently.

Howl smiled at him. “Maybe we can talk about it later?” he suggested once they reached the porch.

Phil opened his mouth but closed it again, not sure what to say to that. He nodded curtly and opened the door. Why did entering his parents’ house suddenly feel like either a terrible mistake and the most amazing thing at the same time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer because of college and other stuff and I've only been writing on the bus until today. 
> 
> I hope you like it. Thank you for all the comments I feel guilty about not updating whenever I get a comment so keep them coming. :P


	4. Dinner party with the Lesters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lesters receive Dan in their house for a family evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter than usual! It took longer too. Sorry, oops.
> 
> Enjoy!

The self-satisfied look Phil’s mother gave him when he entered followed by Howl was almost enough to make him want to turn around and leave. He glared at her like saying “Happy now?” and she tried to contain a grin as if answering “Yes, very much.”

“Back so soon, love?” she asked obviously having fun.

“The library was closed.” he answered.

“On a Wednesday? How odd.”

“You wanted to go to the library after spending your morning at the book store? What a nerd.” said Howl smiling at him.

“Hey! I’m the only one that calls him a nerd!” shouted a man from behind Phil, making him jump.

“Martyn!” shouted Phil at his brother who had just arrived. He could feel his face reddening.

Martyn put his arm around his shoulders and gave him a tight side hug. “Why get a cat when your bro gets scared the same, uh?”

Howl laughed making Martyn focus on him. “You’re not PJ.” he stated the obvious.

“I don’t think so?” said Howl, and turned to look at Phil curiously for a second. “Dan Howell.” he introduced himself to Martyn, waving awkwardly.

“Martyn. Are you Philly’s new boyfriend? Is that why you asked me to bring Corn?” he asked casually to Dan and then Kath. Phil wondered if he could get away with kicking him in the sheen without anyone noticing. Howl- Dan just raised an eyebrow curiously.

“No, Hun. This is the writer Phil’s always talking about, with the zombies and such.”

“Wait, really?” said Martin looking at the writer up and down impressed “You are the guy who writes all the weird robot smut?”

“Not robots, darling, zombies.” Kathryn corrected him. Phil’s mouth hung open, Dan was biting his lip as he nodded.

“Yeah.” he said both to Martin and Kath at the same time by managing to look at both and neither of them as he spoke. He did not elaborate further for which Phil was grateful.

“Neat.” said Martin approvingly.

“Isn’t it?” Kath agreed to a completely different thing.

“So, Corn. Where is she?” asked Phil suddenly.

“She’s with the band discussing band stuff. There might be a few gigs starting next week at different bars and a festival so they wanna be ready. I’m picking her up at eight so…” he shrugged.

“Good for her.” said Kath. “In that case, everyone let’s go to the table, your father’s already there. I’ll give you some food to take home to her.”

“So, mexican?” asked Dan following Phil closely.

Kath nodded. “I made enchiladas, tacos and spicy desserts. There’s salsas and garnishes. Do you drink alcohol, Dan?”

“Only on Wednesdays.” he joked nervously, “What do we have?”

“I thought it would be fun to get the Tequila out for the evening, what do you think?” 

Dan raised his eyebrows and looked at Phil as if to make sure he’d heard right. “Kath likes her dinner parties themed.” explained Phil. “Just be thankful there’s not a piñata in the front yard.”

“I would LOVE it if there was a piñata in the front yard. But I guess I can settle for a shot or two.”

“Piñatas are for birthdays and when children come,” explained Phil as they entered the dining room. “for the adults there is tequila and margaritas.”

“Can I stay here instead? I honestly am preferring this to being at the hotel. Hazel’s going to regret being a party pooper and letting me come alone. Can you believe she chose sleeping and relaxing to free food and drinks? She’s not fun and spontaneous like me.”

“Hazel Hayes?” asked Phil, unsure. “Your agent, right?”

“Yep. I see you’ve been googling me a bit?” said Dan smirking.

“A bit!” said Martyn from behind them. “This one knows everything about you. Ask him what shoe size you wear.”

“I do not know that!” Phil defended himself. That happened to be one of the few trivia facts that he didn’t know.

Dan just looked from one brother to the other amused. “So yeah, she let me come alone with the condition that I had to get kidnapped, murdered or at least a little bit strangled.” he explained, “But maybe getting myself a cute stalker wouldn’t be a bad alternative, yeah?” he winked at Phil jokingly. Phil rolled his eyes automatically, like a jerk, he thought, blushing immediately after. Dan looked at him curiously.

When they got to the table Kath made sure to direct everyone strategically so that Dan and Phil had to sit next to each other. Phil hurried up to follow her to the kitchen to help her with the dishes as well as tell her to stop with the matchmaking games for Phil’s sanity’s sake but when he got there he found her arguing with his father in lowered voices. They didn’t see him come in.

“This is good for him, he has to go out and meet new people. And if he doesn’t go out I’ll bring the people over and introduce them myself.” whispered his mother as she cut tomatoes in little squares. “He can’t keep on following the Liguori boy forever. PJ has a girlfriend now, it’s about time he moves on.”

“Why would he need to move on from a good friend?” said Nigel, with a tired expression.

“Oh, please. You don’t move from a good apartment with your best friend only because he got a girlfriend, Nigel. Isn’t it obvious what’s happening?”

“It’s not obvious to me.”

Kath dropped the knife on the table and turned to look at him eye to eye.

“Philip has a hopeless crush on Liguori.” she stage whispered, to Phil’s utter astonishment.

“A crush?” he seemed skeptical. “I’ve never gotten that kind if vibe from the boys.”

“Then why hasn’t he ever brought anyone else home, or went on dates or talked about crushes!” she said as if proving a point.

“Kids don’t talk about those things with their parents, Kath. Martyn didn’t either.”

“And yet we knew.” she said finally.

“Philip is a private person.” tried Nigel once again. But Phil knew that wouldn’t convince his mother.

He didn’t want to hear any more so he stepped back and pretended to only then have come in. He grabbed the plates without looking either of his parents in the eye and left. They were silent during this.

He never knew what the reason was for the date set ups, not for sure, but now he did and it was worse than his mother just finding it entertaining to torture him. She was actually worried about him. Phil felt guilty for yet another reason. He never spent much time thinking about romance being a thing he should be looking for the same as professional success or creative inspiration or the perfect place to live. It was just something that other people did that he just read about and didn’t understand how it worked in the real world. Also to say he didn’t even try was an understatement. He had actively avoided that kind of situations for many years now.

When he was younger it was different. He cared a lot about it, it was all he talked and thought about. It was as fascinating as it was mysterious. The media saturated his mind with love stories and expectations and in the end all of it felt so… fake. It was so unbelievable to him that people enjoyed the drama, the politics and the invasive physical contact that came with a lover. 

He’d tried online dating as an experiment but it was kind of strange to meet the people in real life after all the conversations online. There were a lot of assumptions about what stage of the relationship they were in and it confused and made Phil really uncomfortable. It was especially weird because offline Phil was nowhere as confident and funny as online Phil and it always felt like he was a fraud and a disappointment to meet.

The other thing was that his mom apparently thought he was in love with PJ. It made sense, kind of. If he was going to fall for someone it would be logical that it was his best friend of many years. If he was in love with PJ he would know, right? Would it be different or the same as what he felt for him at the moment if he was in love with him?

His mind couldn’t stop thinking about what his mother had said as he put the plates on each place. Martyn was telling Dan some sort of anecdote but he wasn’t really paying attention until he heard the words “YouTube channel” for which he looked up so fast he thought he’d snap his neck.

“-and he makes these videos that analyze the books and movies he likes, like he’s giving a class on the symbolism of vampire transformation or something of the sort. You should check them out, they’re really funny, and he has a ton of subscribers.” Martyn informed proudly to Phil’s absolute horror.

“I need to see that, what’s his channel’s name?” Dan exclaimed pulling out his phone to look for it.

“It’s Am-” 

“Martyn!” he whispered trying to get his attention so he could see silently begging him to shut up. Dan did look up to look at him. Phil stopped what he was doing and pretended he was moving the centerpiece to clear space for the food.

“Hang on.” said Martyn without looking at him. “Write AmazingPhil on the search bar all together it should pop up after the video from the kid’s party where the magician set the cake on fire.” he told Dan who did the thing.

“AmazingPhil. Like the Tweeter account?” Dan asked.

“Yeah.” said Martyn. “And the Tumblr.” he added you know, like a traitor.

“Should I avoid asking about WattPad and or AO3?” Dan smirked at Martyn but then made eye contact with Phil and whatever Phil’s face was at that moment, it wiped the smile off Dan’s face immediately, replacing it with uncertainty.

“Is it okay if I check your channel? I was just joking with the other things, I mean, except the Twitter I already looked at that because I wanted to see who your mom’s son from the meetup was. If it makes things weird I won’t look I promise.” Dan assured him.

Phil thought about it for a moment pretending to fix the napkin holders before answering quietly, “Yeah, ok. But later, no cellphones on the table during dinner time.” he stated and went to sit on his assigned place.

Dan chuckled. “Bossy.” he said wiggling his eyebrows and he put the phone away.

“I always think of Philly as the bossy old aunt of the family.” said Martyn with a shaking his head fondly. “Too good for his own sake. That’s why he’s the favorite.”

“Am not! YOU are.” he said raising his voice for the first time.

“No, you are, Child.” he said, rudely reaching across Dan to mess Phil’s hair but Phil grabbed his hand and they struggled awkwardly near Dan’s face.

“You’re making the guest uncomfortable, Philly. Let go!” he said still trying to touch Phil’s hair.

“YOU started.” he said not letting go.

“Oh boy.” said Dan pushing himself back against his chair.

“Martyn! Phil! Stop it now!” said their mother when she got there carrying a bowl with salad. They immediately let go. Nigel followed her with a long square container. “Phil, why don’t you and Dan go get the bottle of tequila for the margaritas from the upstairs cupboard. I’ll have everything ready when you’re back.”

“I can go by myself.” said Phil, suspicious.

“Take Dan, dear. And while you’re at it give him a quick tour of the house. Don’t take too long though or your food will get cold. You’ll have more than enough time to get to know each other after Martyn leaves.”

“Yeah, don’t you two take too long, Philly.” said Martyn also, wiggling his eyebrows. Phil chose not to think about it too much.

“Alright.” Phil said rolling his eyes and stood up to go to the next room over, waiting near for Dan to follow. They walked upstairs in silence. Dan managed to fall a few steps behind by stopping to look at every family picture along the way.

“Your family travels together a lot, huh?” he said, nodding at the photograph of him and his parents, Martyn and Cornelia in Egypt. They were sweaty and amazed by all the things they found in a local market.

“Every couple of years, the rest we spend with relatives and friends when we get the chance. I’m sure you travel a lot too, right?” Phil asked, walking back to look at the pic.

“Yeah, but I feel like I never really visit the places I go to. I mostly just look at them from the car.” he shrugged.

“You could always go somewhere with your family when the tour is over, right?” Phil suggested.

“I guess.” he answered thoughtful. “But-” he started to say and stopped.

“What is it?” said Phil, tilting his head curiously.

“It’s nothing.” he shook his head, “It’s just- I don’t think my family would be into that.”

“They don’t like traveling?”

Dan laughed but it wasn’t a happy laugh. “Sure, that’s what they don’t like.”

“Do they get travel sick? I get that sometimes. It helps if I take some ginger ale and don’t eat during the journey or read. Reading makes me feel like I’m gonna be sick.” he said, trying to be helpful.

Dan laughed again but now it sounded more genuine. “Reading makes you feel sick? Wow, Phil just the thing every writer wants to hear, really.”

Phil glared at him and Dan grinned.

They continued walking, Phil showed Dan the balcony that faced the orange tree in the backyard.

“Wow, it smells amazing.” said Dan inhaling deeply.

“Yeah, I really liked to come here as a kid.”

“Not anymore?”

“When you’re a child you can sit on the balcony and everyone thinks it’s cute. A tall lanky adult man spending time in the balcony’s just creepy. People are going to think I’m peeking at their backyards.”

“Oh, but two lanky adult men is alright?” asked Dan, lifting an eyebrow.

“Everything seems more suspicious if you do it alone. Like going to a bar alone, they think you’re looking for an ‘escort’. If you go to the movies alone people think you’re a pervert that creeps on people. If you go to the museum alone they think you’re a loner without friends. If you go to the mall alone- I mean, in most situations people just think you’re a loser without friends and or a creep.“

"That’s a way to look at things, I guess.” said Dan unconvinced. “Do you feel like that often? Is that how you were feeling earlier at the meetup?”

“No, I was just nervous.” said Phil tiredly looking at the distance “I’m sorry I made things awkward”. He moved back into the room with Dan right behind.

“You were fine. One time I saw a guy faint after a concert because he was so excited to have VIP passes and be in the line to meet his favourite band. He dropped his beer and landed on the glass shards. I’m pretty sure he needed stitches, missed the concert and meeting the band. Compared to him you were steady as a rock.” he smiled reassuringly “And you still mustered the courage to glare at me like you wanted to melt my face off so that was impressive.”

“I didn’t glare!” he said walking faster. “We’re taking too long. That’s the bathroom, that’s the studio, that’s the guest room, that’s my bedroom, that’s the library, that’s the-”

“You live here?” asked Dan interrupting Phil’s quick tour of the house. He had stopped right in front of the door Phil acknowledged as his.

Phil slapped himself mentally for getting distracted. He could feel the blush creeping up his neck as he looked for ways to save the situation. “I’m staying until I get a new apartment. I’m not still living with my parents. I was gone. For years. But I couldn’t stay anymore where I was staying before. I’m moving as soon as I find a new place.”

“Oh, okay. Why did you leave your last place? Shitty landlord?” Dan asked casually, leaning against his door frame.

“Um, no. My roommate got a girlfriend and I thought they would be more comfortable if I was gone.”

“So you didn’t get along with her and decided to leave?” asked Dan.

“No, she was really nice. I just thought it would be better.”

“But you couldn’t stay there until you got a new place?” said Dan seemingly confused.

“I was making them uncomfortable.” said Phil.

“They told you this?”

“Well, no. But PJ’s too nice to say such a thing and Sophie and I aren’t very close so it wouldn’t make sense that she was the one to tell me.” explained Phil.

“And what did they say when you told them you were leaving?”

"They said that I didn’t have to and I should stay living with them.”

Dan squinted at Phil curiously and after a while he nodded like he understood. What? Phil didn’t know. He then turned to look at the door next to him and a tiny mischievous smile appeared on his face. “Are you giving me the tour of your bedroom now?” asked Dan, his tone making Phil unequivocally aware of the implications he was intentionally making.

Now Phil was blushing. He did his best to appear none the wiser. “No, we’re late for dinner. We get the bottle and go back.”

Dan shrugged. “Alright, lead the way.”

When they made their way back, Martyn and Nigel were already serving food on their plates.

“There you are.” said Kath receiving the bottle from Phil. “Sit down boys. Dan, have as much as you like.”

Dan took his seat and grabbed the plate and a spoon. “You are going to regret saying that, Kath. But thank you so much.” he took a spoonful of enchiladas and then another, he put abundant cream and cheese on top.

Kath gave him a quick smile and took the bottle of tequila to the kitchen. They served their food and ate in silence of a while. Phil grabbed a tortilla and started preparing his taco when the most obscene moan made him drop the spoon in fright.

“Oh my god! This is delicious. This is the best thing I’ve had in weeks.” Dan said rocking back and forth in his chair. “I am actually having an orga- oh, ahhh-” he stopped himself from finishing that sentence, looking at Nigel’s raise eyebrow and pursed lips. “Sorry. I’ll just shut up and eat.” Martyn was laughing to himself as he ate and Phil was looking at Dan in disbelief. 

The blender started sounding loudly from the kitchen. 

“Yes! Margaritas. This is my time to shine.” said Martyn and went to the kitchen to help out his mother.

That left Phil, Dan and Phil’s father who hadn’t yet talked much, alone.

“So you’re a famous writer?” asked Nigel to Dan who had a mouthful of food. He nodded and swallowed the whole thing whole.

“Not that famous but I’ve found my niche, I guess. My readers are very loyal.” He said and directed a quick glance and a smile at Phil. He looked back at Nigel but the older man remained serious.

“It’s impressive that a young man like you has achieved so much already. How old are you?”

“Um, twenty seven? Anyway, I will be in a couple of months so… I started writing for real when I was sixteen. A scout from the publishing company, my editor Louise, she liked my weird emotional ramblings about monsters and she offered me the chance to work on my story with her. It’s really all because of her that I’m semi-famous, I’m actually not a very good writer, I think. She ties everything up in the end.”

Nigel actually almost smiled at this. “I’m sure you do your bit.” he said and continued with his meal.

“I really like her work.” said Phil excitedly. “She’s one of the best in her field, most of her protégés are my favorites. That book she did with Hazel Hayes, your agent, and other people from the industry with anecdotes and advice on the publishing business was amazing as well as funny.”

“The one where they tell about the time I fell asleep and my hands tried to keep on writing without me?” asked Dan with half a smile.

“And when they tried to get you to bed you just took a pillow and started typing on it?” said Phil giggling. “Do you even remember what you were trying to write then?”

“I have no idea. I just remember thinking it was the best thing in the world at the time.” he laughed “it was probably something like ‘I really really really really want a bacon cheeseburger right now.´, they were trying to get me to eat healthier at the time and I would’ve killed for a pizza or something.”

“Is it true you were vegan for a month?” asked Phil interested.

“Yeah, but I’m really bad at planning my meals so I started feeling weak and had blood tests done. It turned out I was a bit anemic. So I said ´screw it´ and ordered all the Chinese food I could get in me.” he said and Phil chuckled. Nigel was watching them curiously.

“I could never be vegan. I love meat too much but will happily never eat cheese in my life again. Except for pizza, pizza doesn’t count.”

“But cheese is the best thing! How can you not like it?” Dan said as Martyn and Kath entered the room with two pitchers of yellow liquid and cocktail glasses.

“Phil thought milk was cow pee when he was a kid.” said Martyn putting the pitchers on the table.

Dan seemed fascinated by the revelation. “You did? That’s adorable.”

“No it’s not, it’s gross and it ruined my life.” argued Phil.

“Phil was such a cute boy but he was so much work too. He had the weirdest ideas in that head.” said Kath as she passed around the drinks.

“I was a toddler, of course I was weird!”

“He would stand in our bedroom at night, in the middle of the darkness and just watch us sleep, didn’t he, love?” said Kathryn to Nigel.

“He did. It was very unsettling.” confirmed Nigel.

Dan laughed a hyena-like laugh. “What a mood killer.”

“It was.” agreed Nigel.

Everyone laughed except Phil who turned beet red and glared at everyone in turns and maybe smiled a bit while he did it. Sue him, he liked to see his family happy even if he was the butt of the joke.

“Don’t get mad, dear.” said his mother pushing the margarita in his direction “At least I didn’t tell Dan how you used to think babies were made.”

“I didn’t understand why we have bellybuttons if we never use them. It makes sense that babies go to the mom’s belly through there. I still think my way is more logical and sanitary than the actual way.” he said, crossing his arms stubbornly.

“But not as much fun, am I right?” Dan joked, elbowing Phil. Martyn choked in the middle of a sip which was fortunate since Phil wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond to Dan’s comment.

“Are you okay, son?” asked Nigel as he passed a couple of napkins to him.

“Yeah, fine. I probably shouldn’t be drinking much since I’ll be driving in a bit.” 

“Oh that’s right! I’ll give you a container for Corn’s dinner, hold on.” Kathryn left to do just that.

“Corn’s short for Cornelia.” Phil explained, “We don’t talk about actual corn as if it was a sentient being”.

“My girlfriend is as cool as corn if not more and don’t you dare say otherwise.” said Martin between forkfuls of food.

“She is.” agreed Nigel with a kind smile.

Dan chuckled and turned to look at Phil. “What about you, Phil? I heard somewhere you might have a brand new boyfriend?” Dan pointed out, remembering Martyn’s comment when he arrived.

“You know what?” said Martyn pulling out his phone. “Corn can take an Uber, I really need to stay and watch this.”

“Martyn.” called Nigel sternly and Martyn put his phone away.

Everyone looked at Phil, he was caught off guard by suddenly being the center of attention. “Um, no. That’s not true.”

“So there’s no new boyfriend or no boyfriend at all?” asked Dan before taking a long drink and hiding whatever expression he was making.

“Nothing at all.” mumbled Phil, feeling like sinking in his chair but trying not to.

“Oh, ok.” said Dan, “Me neither.”

“Why don’t you date each other then?” asked Martyn entertained.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend standing in the middle of the street waiting for you, Martyn?” blurted Phil a bit more defensive that he would’ve liked.

“I do.” he said happily and resumed devouring his food. The others did the same. Kath came back with Cornelia’s food and continued eating herself.

They spent a while then with Dan stuffing himself with corn chips and guacamole, Martyn sending annoying glances towards Phil which he tried to ignore, Nigel observed everything thoughtful, only occasionally intervening and Kathryn decided to ask some questions to Dan.

“I know it seems like they’re always fighting but Phil and Martyn love each other to death. Do you have any siblings, dear?”

Dan nodded. “A brother.”

“It’s complicated, having two boys. Don’t you get on each other’s nerves often?”

“I guess. We don’t get together much though mostly on holidays and you know how everything is always tense on holidays.” he laughed but like before, he appeared troubled. “It’s been a while since I’ve had a normal family dinner on a Wednesday night so thank you so much for the invitation, Kath.”

“Thank you for coming!” responded Kathryn enchanted, “If you’re in the city again we would love to have you over. You can even stay in one of the guest rooms instead of a hotel.”

“It would be like a sleepover.” agreed Martyn “You and Philly could do each other’s nails.” he teased. 

“That sounds like fun.” said Dan glancing at Phil with a soft smile. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something later. Is that okay?”

“Um, yeah, sure.” said Phil, unsure.

“Ah!” exclaimed Nigel suddenly. He had finished his dinner already and was putting his plate aside. “I was also meaning to talk to you about something, son. Uncle Mike called earlier and told me he might have the perfect place for you to move. Don’t worry, I’m not pressuring you. We love having you around but since you often mention that every apartment you visit has suspicious people living in it, what better than living with Cousin Robbie in his London place. It will be closer to better job opportunities, you’ll be with family and it’s big enough for the two of you.” he declared this proudly, clearly expecting Phil to agree with him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” said Phil. It was a terrible idea. Robbie was the worst and seemed to hate Phil no reason at all. Even when Phil wasn’t blatant about his preferences, never dated anyone ever and had even commented on being into women in front of him, Robbie seemed to have a sense that Phil was just generally different and tormented him for it. He got along great with Martyn since they both liked sports and were really into music. Robbie was always nice to Phil in front of the family in general and living alone with him would be a nightmare on earth.

“Why not? Mike says he already talked with Robbie on the subject and he’s very excited about it.”

Excited to get a brand new maid, surely. “I think I’ll keep looking, but thank Uncle Mike and Robbie for me.”

“Come on, Phil! If you move in with Robbie I could go visit you guys and then we could all go out together and have fun.” Martyn tried to encourage him.

“You guys used to be the best of friends when you were younger. Always playing your funny secret games with secret rules. I think it’s a good idea that you move in with him and it’ll keep you close to family in case you have an emergency.” agreed Kathryn.

Phil pursed his lips and looked down at his hands to think carefully about what he should say. He didn’t want to seem like he was being difficult but he honestly would’ve preferred to give that creepy couple that had flirted with him a chance than to be living with his cousin. He also preferred to not cause conflict within the family, that was if any of them would actually believe that Robbie was a terrible person and not the charming young man he had always appeared to be. Phil clutched his hands tightly in his lap as he smiled and said: “I’ll think about it.”

“What is there even to think about, son?” asked Nigel, who had apparently forgotten he wasn’t pressuring Phil. “The rent is very affordable and you could really make it over there. You’re a very smart young man so I hope you take this chance or I might begin to suspect you’re not really putting much effort into your future.” he stated, making Phil wince a bit. Did his parents think he wasn’t really looking to move out and get ahead in his career?

“Come on, Phil!” exclaimed Martyn. “It’s gonna be great!”

Phil felt like he couldn’t possibly say no at this point, it was consensus that this was the best option for him and he should take it in the spirit of common sense. He really didn’t want to explain every little thing Robbie had done to him through the years and it made him feel sick that it could be one of those things that were just in his head. He didn’t feel like doubting his memories and perceptions on this particular matter and it stressed him to think about trying to justify himself to his family at that moment. 

He tried to reach his drink to see if it would help him think more clearly but he apparently did it too carelessly and dropped the content all over Dan’s mantel and it quickly started spilling on his lap.

“Oh God! I’m so sorry!” he said reaching for as many napkins as he could to stop the liquid from falling.

“It’s okay. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” said Dan pushing his chair back and staying out of the way. 

“Go get a kitchen towel, dear. You’re making mess.” said Kathryn.

“Come, I’ll give you something to clean up.” he told Dan and they stood up to go to the kitchen. 

Phil kept apologizing repeatedly on the way and Dan kept telling him it was okay. Phil grabbed the towel and gave it to Dan so he could clean himself as much as he could.

“I’m so clumsy.” he lamented. He sat on a stool looking at his hands. “Of course I was going to go and do that.”

“Phil.” called Dan, making him lift his head and look at him in the eyes. He walked closer to Phil and sat next to him, pressing the towel to his pant leg. “It’s fine, I don’t mind.”

“But-”

“No, see my clothes are black.” He whispered like it was a secret. “No one will ever know what just happened. I actually spilled a coke earlier this evening. Back then, when you met me, I was moist.” He said with wide eyes and pursed lips, like a child that had just confessed something and expected a reaction from his parent.

Phil just stared for a long moment and then lost it. He started laughing, surprising himself. Dan started laughing as well which in turn made Phil laugh harder.

“That’s the most horrible thing I’ve heard you say, and I’ve seen you answer audience questions at the book fair panel.” said Phil taking a deep breath to calm himself down. 

“That’s not even the tenth worse thing I’ve said today.” Dan replied grinning “And those things are savage I tell you.”

“They look it. But somehow you always manage to make an awkward question into an even more horrifying answer.” 

“See, I’ve actually been on my best behavior to impress you and your family. How am I doing so far?” he asked leaning a bit closer.

“The part where you were about to say the word ‘orgasm’ in front of my father was not a highpoint but it’s been generally good.”

“See, I think so too. And I was having a gay old time until right there at the end.” he started to explain but Phil covered his face with his hands and groaned.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry about your clothes. I’ll pay for the laundry I promise.”

Dan waved his hand dismissing it. “Not that, I don’t care about that, I told you already. What I mean is that whole thing about you moving with, was it your cousin?”

Phil sighed. "Yeah.”

"But you don't want to." said Dan, almost in question. 

Phil shook his head.

"I'm not going to ask why but you seemed a bit anxious back there."

"I'm always anxious, I have anxiety." stated Phil.

"So that was it." Dan nodded in realization "And here I thought you were just adorable." said Dan with a smirk, elbowing Phil softly.

"I only give out that impression because I resemble a scared hedgehog most of the time."

"I love hedgehogs." said Dan with a soft expression. "If I see one I feel like protecting it from everything and everyone."

"Well you probably should." said Phil, remembering an article on the commerce of exotic pets in the U.S. and how the media popularized these cute animals among impulsive irresponsible people who only saw them as a novelty item and then neglected their care. "They're very fragile and should not be treated as toys."

"I would never do that." said Dan defensive like he had been accused of a terrible thing. Maybe he really liked hedgehogs.

"I mean, I guess you could get one if you are willing to make the commitment and give him proper living conditions and care. And not just abandon it when you get bored.”

“I can commit.” said Dan suddenly looking very serious. “I want to commit.”

“Um, alright?” said Phil a bit put out about Dan’s apparent enthusiasm about hedgehogs. “We should get back with the towel” he said trying to put a bit more distance between the two by getting off the stool. Dan nodded and followed.

When they entered the dining room Martyn was in the hallway putting on his jacket and talking with his mother quietly. They stopped as soon as they saw Dan and Phil come in.

“You’re going?” asked Phil.

“Yeah,” said his brother, “I wasn’t going to wait forever for you two to get back with that towel.”

“Shut up, we were barely gone.” he countered.

“Don’t tell your brother to shut up, Phil.” said Nigel from the dining room where he was picking up the dirty dishes, leaving the drinks only.

“Yes, Phil, don’t tell me to shut up.” said Martyn showing him his tongue.

“Do shut up, Martyn.” told him Nigel.

“See you Sunday, love?” asked Kathryn as he kissed Martyn on the cheek.

“Sure, I’ll bring Corn and corn. She’s going to love it as usual.” he said, then turned towards Phil, grabbed him in a one arm hug, whispering in his ear an enigmatic “Go for it, bro”. 

Phil gave him a confused look and said “Okay? See you later. Say hi for me.”

“Will do.” he nodded, then turned to Dan and held out his hand to shake. “It was nice meeting you, Dan. Hope to see you around some other time.” he said, looking at the other intensely in the eye.

“You too.” he smiled but then looked a bit taken aback by the seemingly unending handshake.

“Be good, ok?” Martyn added, giving one final squeeze before letting go.

“Yeah?” Dan answered. He discreetly flexed his fingers afterwards.

“See you later, dad!” he waved.

“Be careful when you drive.” he answered.

“Yup. Bye Kath.” he gave her a tight hug, took the food container and left them in a pleasant silence. Kath helped pick up the table and she and her husband disappeared in behind the kitchen. Phil took care to clean the mess he made earlier. 

When he was done cleaning, his gaze went to the writer leaning against the archway, a bit out of place, looking at his phone. Phil wondered if he was going to go back to his hotel room now that dinner was over or there was something else to do first. He did mention wanting to talk about something first. Should he remind him?

“Um.” said, Phil dumbly. Dan looked up. “You wanted to talk about…”

Dan seemed lost for a second but then nodded slowly. “I do.”

Neither said anything for a moment.

“So…” drawled Phil.

“Actually, can we just hang out for a while? Something more casual, you know? Just the two of us. Uh, is the living room okay? Or we can go to your bedroom?” asked Dan, pointing upstairs.

“Why?” asked Phil, distrustful.

Dan shrugged. “You can ask me anything you want about the books and then show me your videos. My agent told me to ask you something also but we can see about that later.”

“I can ask you anything?” asked Phil suddenly hopeful, ignoring the rest, thinking of the unique opportunity that that could be.

“Sure.” said Dan with a tight smile. “But I can always choose not to answer so-”

“Of course! Yes, obviously. I have so many questions.” he said excited, leading the way upstairs without thinking. Dan followed him, then stopped and went back down again to the dining room. Phil waited, curious. He came back with the pitcher of margarita and their two glasses.

“In case we get thirsty.” he explained. Phil rolled his eyes but climbed the rest of the stairs two at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took longer for various reasons but I enjoyed making it.  
> Thank you for your pretty comments and kudos, they make my day <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comment if you like please :)  
> I'm still rereading for errors, so tell me if you find anything, English's my second language.


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